My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
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The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.