Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
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[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
subtitles are so good nowadays
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?