Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
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Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
True?
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”