I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
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Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield