Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
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grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Today’s Times
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*