When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
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Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?