5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
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*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem