NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
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I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
No. He’s not coming out to play
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.