If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
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super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
the clam before the storm
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.