Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
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Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Cake!!
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?