[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
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If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.