computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
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Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Birds & Planes.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer