I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
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“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
This kinda thing happens to me often
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no