When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
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Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.