“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
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Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.