twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
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[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing