I put the mess in domestic.
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The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
They’re on their honeymoon
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
A little too much information.