This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
You Might Also Like
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them