I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
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You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
got so much cardio in today
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*