Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
You Might Also Like
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
This could be us… but you playing
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Duolingo getting serious.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop