Does beer think about me too?
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My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
October already? What’s next? November????
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Always a metermaid never a meter
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..