Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
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To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Breaking news:
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.