Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
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I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Good Morning.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.