Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
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If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?