Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
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Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.