[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
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If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy