Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
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Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something