If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
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There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper