“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
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I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.