“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
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Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
*orders delivery*
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.