There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
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embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Just me?
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.