I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
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“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes