Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
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“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
If you love someone, let them tweet.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..