Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
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I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”