An odd boast
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just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”