90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
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Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
*power walks to the refrigerator*
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I think my mom just blocked me
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
My Sentiments Exactly
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*