signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
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The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
S/o to @funTweeters .
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.