Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
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Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
“TGIM!” – My liver
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.