The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
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Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Ummm
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(