Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
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bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
This kid will have a bright future.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’