Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
You Might Also Like
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway