Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
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But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Optional boss fight.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.