“Boo!” — cow with a cold
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The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
i smell a pulitzer
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
this has done me in for some reason
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay