Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
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“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Every work meeting this week
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.