I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
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Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
the composer
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!