I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
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Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Finally a use for spoilers…
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?