*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
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How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
S M O L
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle