Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
You Might Also Like
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.