petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
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[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
finally
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it