This story is comedy gold 😂
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“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.